On Being a Senior

For the longest time, I thought high school would keep going and going and going, but shockingly, it’s going to end. June 2nd, to be exact. There are only a mere 68 days until I’ll walk across a stage, pray I don’t trip, and close the book. The end. It doesn’t seem all that simple though. I’ve known some of the people in my graduating class since I was a second grader, and I’ll never hear from most of them again, come June. The thought of not seeing these strangers, because that’s what they are for the most part, is hard to fathom. I won’t have a safety net that been there for years. These people have watched me become who I am, which is crazy.

This subject is hardly original, I realize, but with only 68 days left, I’m finally starting to understand. 

I came across this thought catalog article today, and all of the items on the list applied to me in some sort of fashion. Weird. The one that I found the most important was number 11: 

You’ll never feel more like yourself.

If this is what being me is supposed to feel like, I like it. I am a steadfastly feminine feminist and independent. Maybe I could focus on Organic Chemistry a little more, but I like being the funny girl, the sassy one. I could be less afraid, be bolder, but that should come with time, I hope. I can vow to blog more, but I might not.  There’s just so much to do and want and see and be, and I want all of it. I can write this messy, disorganized post, but know that it won’t always be like this. I can also know that sometimes it will. 

I’m excited for the upcoming ends and beginnings and the middles. I love the middles. But now, it’s the start and the finish. 

on trying and failing… kinda

they say when you sit down to write, you’re supposed to have something to say, something people will want to read. i don’t have anything like that today. i have nothing to say, just a desire to speak because these days, my voice feels so small. every time i open up my mouth to speak or tweet or text, i second guess myself. that never used to happen. why is it happening now? i don’t understand. 

lately, everything in my life seems to be out of my grasp, impossible to control. i don’t want to be helpless, but that’s nearly all that there is. i’m trying to let that happen, to realize–fully–that i can’t control all i want to; i’ll never be able to anyway. i’m trying to let things come as they are, but no one tells you how dreadful waiting is. i want to be the girl who takes charge, who wants to take charge. i do, but i’m scared. since when did i become this concerned about every aspect of my life? before it was only my body, because my confidence in that regard wavers between fine/alright/okay, most days, and wanting to be swallowed by a hole in the sidewalk. 

i can hardly get up in the morning, hardly keep up with a simple blog. since when did every task start to feel entirely too difficult? i’m trying to fake it til i make it in regards to so many different things, but everyone failed to mention that when you fake it, you seem to lose sight of yourself. 

sometimes i think i’m profound–it’s always a fleeting thought, i promise–but sometimes it’s all i can do to form my thoughts into coherent, logical sentences. that should be easy. or so you’d think. i don’t want to fail, fall into something bigger and badder than myself, but maybe it’s bound to happen anyway. my dreams are starting to become firmly planted in the ground, but i the ground i’m standing on is shakier than ever before. 

so how do i fix that?